Talking to kevin the other day.. somehow made me realised something, important.
(yada yada.. kev again.)
How my life has always been like a free fall.
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No attachments or that sort. No commitments. That's why it's like i'm always packing up and leaving already. From one place to another..
Leaving no trails behind; No strings attached.
There probably hadn't been one place that i truly felt belonged. As much as i've bragged about my guardian angels.
(Yeah yeah, i'm the queen of ironies.)
Or maybe, i just miss the oppurtunity right before my very eyes, again and again.
One thing that i never seem to learn, really.
And i know why i've never been a better friend that spells 'forever'. I'm just... me.
Selfish.
Honestly, i'm much a loner than i actually look..
and i'm pretty aware of that.
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Commitment.
I never seem to put more heart into anything.. except where I did, I was torn and broken. Meh. But friendship... I feel like i don't even know what to commit to. I mean, making friends isn't like getting together in a band and all band members committing to being in the band, together. Friends are.. people who cross your path unknowingly and then leave, unknowingly. Like a mere passer-by.. so why do we commit, anyway..?
Surprisingly though, i don't think i was like that when i was much younger..
I grew up. And i am, after all, a realist.
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Ironically though, i still can be extremely saddened by the fact that, sometimes people around me moved on faster than i do. But after awhile, i just get on with my life, when all that about having a 'deep bond/relationship' ain't perceived to be as serious as it seemed to be at first. The naivety.
Then again, it's just me being me.
I don't know really.. sometimes i feel quite lost and confused !&@%^ :X!!
I'm already seeing about a future where who i am close with today, is no longer someone familiar tomorrow. Not because of the changes, but because i moved on. Maybe because i've never placed a priority in my life in the 1st place.. No matter how much i appreciate the people around me. (See, ironies AGAIN. rawr.)
Dang. I don't even know why i feel so dark today.. and so all over the place, again.
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Don't know where i'm at.. but i know i'm still heading for the fall..
